15 Ways To Make A Zombie

Zombies are one of my favorite classic monsters.  It's probably because I feel no remorse when hundreds of zombies take head shots; after all, you're doing them a favor by ending their miserable suffering.  So why do these unearthly creatures roam the world with their eternal hunger, satiated only by tasty human flesh?  Well the answers are as diverse as the sources.

#15:  Zombie Bite (H. P. Lovecraft, Romero's Dead Series, many others)

Head to the Winchester tonight Ed?

 One of the easiest ways to become a zombie is simply to be bitten during the course of a zombie attack. While this is a staple of the modern zombie genre, it doesn't explain where the origination of zombies began.  Zombie bites can take anywhere from seconds to days to turn their victims into the walking dead.

#14:  Nuclear Fallout (The Last Man On Earth, Omega Man, I Am Legend)

Because killing you assholes makes me happy, that's why!

  While the characters in these films are nothing like the characterization of modern zombies, they can be considered a sort of loose template for the genre.  I Am Legend takes the original characters from Omega Man and pushes them much more into a zombie-like creation.  The "zombies" in these films could be considered vampires or even mutants, but the effects of the book and films helped set the stage for the modern zombie genre nonetheless.  Splitting atoms is close enough to toying with the fabric of existence for this to seem possible.

#13:  Poison Gas (Return of the Living Dead Series, Hell of the Living Dead)

We gotta be more careful with these canned Taco Bell farts

The poison gas attack to form zombies in Return of the Living Dead might not have been the most creative, but it did give the zombie genre one of it's signatures; zombies with an unquenchable thirst for brains.  Zombies in the RotLD series were even known to vocally drone on about "Brrraiinnnsss..."  This one seems like a possibility too; I know I've smelled some noxious gas that had me feeling like a zombie in my day.


#12:  Glowing Reagent (Re-Animator Series)

We never just sit down and talk anymore

  Re-animator is a different spin on the zombie genre, where the world isn't pictured as a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but rather the zombie is a result of an experiment intended to bring back people who have died.  And there's a zombie cat in the first film!  I'd have to say that this fits under the medical experiment category, however, it's actually defined, whereas the medical experiments are never really fleshed out in many other cases.

#11:  Mutated Mad Cow Disease (Zombieland, Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX)

Sorry dude, but where's the stash?

This might actually be the most plausible reason that zombies are created on this whole list.  The effects of Mad Cow Disease (known as a variant of Creutzfeldt Jakob disease in humans) already read like the symptoms of a zombie: degenerative brain loss, dementia, personality changes, hallucinations, speech impairment, rigid posture, changes in gait, balance problems, seizures, and of course death.  All that's missing is the human flesh eating...

#10:  Medical Experiment (Resident Evil, 28 Days Later)

I can't believe they forgot to wind the clock

 More of an undefined version for creating a zombie, but this one also seems fairly plausible.  A little DNA manipulation combined with good-old fashioned herbal medicine can go a long way!  The 28 Days Later zombies in particular showed us that zombies could freaking run!!  Also they might not technically be zombies because they're perhaps just mutants, but close enough.


#9: Electromagnetic Pulse (Cell) 

Images?  I get paid to write lots and lots and lots of words (sinister laugh)

 I'm not very familiar with this Stephen King story, but apparently zombies were created by some kind of glitchy cell phone pulse thing... or the devil...  In any case, electromagnetic waves are constantly bombarding us because of cell phones, tv, radio, and the like, but they're also protecting the Earth from frying by solar waves, give us cool stuff like the auroras, and have been around since the planet could host life, so I guess I'm not too worried about the zombie causing cell phone attacks just yet.


#8:  Aliens (Plan 9 From Outer Space, Invisible Invaders, Slither) 

None for me thanks, gotta save room for Jello Cheesecake

 I'm not sure how aliens got mixed in with making zombies, what with all the advanced technology and ray guns and what have you.  It kind of seems weak as a zombie origin story, more like how people will attribute aliens to anything they don't understand, like dinosaurs, the pyramids, Stonehenge, and Lady Gaga.  The other part too is that crossovers are difficult, such as when Santa Claus assassinated the Keebler Elves, so aliens mixed with zombies doesn't sound particularly plausible.  

#7:  Star Wormwood (Home Delivery)

Yep, that's the zombie star alright

 I suppose that this fits in with the alien section, but it seems distinct enough to merit it's own entry.  In the story Home Delivery, some astronauts get assaulted by what seems to be a writhing ball of worms, which somehow get to Earth and cause the dead to rise.  At least Stephen King does a little better in this origin for zombies than in his Cell book.  Well, the Star Wormwood is mentioned in Revelations (the book of the Bible with all the cool images that could mean almost anything), so yeah that's probably not how zombies will enter our living rooms.


#6: Small Child (South Africa)

This came up under African Zombie because the net's like that, so there ya go

 I don't really know anything about this except for a line I stumbled across in the Wikipedia entry of zombies.  Apparently a small child can turn someone recently deceased into a zombie, and the effects can be reversed by a Sangoma.  In any case, this way to turn someone into a zombie seems highly spurious.

#5:  Voodoo (Haiti, White Zombie)

Beads for brains, beads for brains!

 Probably the most traditional of ways to make a zombie, except perhaps for Necromancy, is good old fashioned Voodoo.  There's some process involving burying people, first giving them drugs like tainted berries and old Cheerios or something, and then you dig them up and you have a zombie slave.  This one's very possible and basically happens every time a drunk frat guy slips a roofie into a sorostitute's drink.  It doesn't explain the dead rising en masse however.

#4:  No More Room In Hell (Dawn of the Dead)

Yeah, I been to Hell.  It's full.  Calling me a liar?

 "When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth" is the famous tag-line in the movie spoken by a Haitian priest to the protagonists.  It's a pretty simple philosophy:  Hell's full, go back to Earth and eat human flesh, k thx bye!  Kind of just a cool line to say, but the fact that Hell is full really would speak a lot about humanity.  Maybe we get ghosts when Heaven's full?  If you're inclined to believe in Hell, than you probably think it would have enough room to torture everyone, so I guess I'm hoping to Hell that this one doesn't happen.

#3:  Necronomicon (Army of Darkness, Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III)

Come here, I gots a secret for ya!

 The Necronomicon ties in with the tradition of Necromancy, which is an art that encompasses a variety of magic.  The Simpsons uses a Book of Magic Spells (Vol. II), but basically it's the Necronomicon.  Invoking magic and mysterious power seem to tap into the roots of making zombies, so this one might be possible.  I once met Bruce Campbell during a speech and book signing.  While he was talking someone's phone started ringing, so he brought the guy up and started talking to his friend on the phone.  It was pretty funny, but just imagine if the Cell's scenario would have happened right then.  A zombie Ash??  Frightening!


#2:  Dancing, Singing, and Vincent Price Rapping (Thriller, Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III)

You know what's scarier than zombies?  This picture!

  Straight from the Michael Jackson epic is one of the strangest ways to raise the dead.  It would seem that the zombies appear when Vincent Price raps during the video, but I have to think the dancing and singing beforehand were catalysts in the whole process.  In the Simpsons episode, Bart invokes the power of Michael Jackson by wearing his album cover as a hat.  This method seems pretty implausible now at least, considering the circumstances, but still a pretty awesome way to make a zombie.

#1:  Jesus (The Bible)

You've been out for awhile.  Remember to drink plenty of fluids, eat a good meal, and get some rest

 My absolute favorite way to make a zombie comes from the Bible.  Wow!  According to the Gospels, Jesus raised Lazarus, a dead girl, and perhaps many others.  He also resurrected himself, which vaguely makes him a zombie too, right??  But the clincher for me is this line:

Matthew 27:52-53

"and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, and came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many."

That's a whole zombie infestation there!!  So apparently crucifying Jesus on the cross is a surefire way to cause a zombie armageddon!  Thanks for the sweet juicy brains Jesus!!  By the way the line above doesn't say that these particular zombies craved delicious human flesh, but then again it doesn't say they didn't either.

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That's 15 ways to make a zombie, but I suppose that there's always more, like watching TV, shooting crack into your eye, eating at KFC, listening to techno music, getting a lobotomy, staring at the sun, playing WoW or Starcraft, getting the flu, huffing formaldehyde, being a syphilitic necrophiliac, or hundreds of other ways.  So enjoy your life while you have it, and then enjoy the delicious human flesh....Brrraiiiinnnsssss!!!

Top Ten Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Segments

It's Halloween again, and time for one of my favorite Simpsons episodes: The Treehouse of Horror!  To prepare for the 21st show, I've watched the last 20 ToH episodes, and would like to share my top 10 favorite segments.

#10:  Nightmare Cafeteria (ToH V)

This segment always sticks in my brain when I think about ToH.  One of my favorite highlights is when Uter gets turned into a German festival meal.

Quotes: 

Doris: OK, I got your German grub right here.
          [serves Bart, who eats, and walks away]
   Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and
         suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called
         "Uterbraten"?
Skinner: [walking up in leiderhosen] Oh, relax, kids, I've got a _gut_
         feeling Uter is around here somewhere.  [chuckles] After all,
         isn't there a little _Uter_ in all of us?  [chuckles] In fact,
         you might even say we just _ate_ Uter and he's in our
         _stomachs_ right now!  [laughs] Wait...scratch that one. 

  *****

Lisa: Mom!  Mom!  You've gotta help: they're cooking kids in the
           school cafeteria!
    Marge: Listen, kids: you're eight and ten years old now.  I can't be
           fighting all your battles for you.
     Bart: But Mom --
    Marge: No buts!  You march right back to that school, look them
           straight in the eye, and say "Don't eat me"!
Bart+Lisa: [disappointed] OK.

 

#9:  Hungry Are The Damned (ToH I)

The first ToH to feature Kang and Kodos.  I love how Marge tries to flatter their great technological achievement of the Pong video game. 

Quotes:

Alien: Greetings.  I am Kang.  Do not be frightened.  We mean you no harm.
   Marge: You, you speak English.
   Alien: I am actually speaking Rigelian.  By an astonishing coincidence,
          both of our languages are exactly the same.
   -- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens,
      ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 

*****

Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons!
   -- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Horror''
   

#8:  Don't Have A Cow, Mankind (ToH XX) 

28 Days Later is on of my favorite movies, and I like how the Simpsons handled it in this segment.  One of my favorite small parts of the episode is Apu's vegetable necklace; nice touch!

Quotes:

Marge: I can't kill her, she's Lisa's god mother
Apu: You can apologize in hell
Marge: I guess I could!

*****

Marge: What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior?
[camera pans to Reverend Lovejoy...]

#7:  Dial 'Z' For Zombies (ToH III) 

I'm a sucker for zombie movies, and this segment delivers with biting ferocity.  Lisa turned into a snail is classic!

Quotes:

Bart:  From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of
       alphabetic adventure!
Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart:  Well, most of it. 

*****

Lisa:  Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: [eating pork rinds, frowns] Did you wreck the car?
Bart:  Nooo!
Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead?
Lisa:  Yesss!
Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay?
Kids:  Uh-huh.
Homer: [relieved] All right then.

 

#6:  Lisa's Nightmare (ToH II)

I really enjoy every segment in ToH II.  It's probably overall the best Simpsons ToH, and I picked this episode because the monkey paw scenario is awesome.  Back in those days when Simpsons mania hit, it really seemed like the calypso album would be a reality.  My favorite part is probably when Homer thinks the stand has mysteriously vanished, until realizing he's just pointing in the wrong direction.

Quotes:

  Lisa:  [takes the paw] I wish for world peace. [the second finger on the paw closes]
Homer:  Lisa, that was very selfish of you! -- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''

*****

Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won.
   Alien 2: Did they?  That board with a nail in it may have defeated us.
            But the humans won't stop there.  They'll make bigger boards
            and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail
            so big, it will destroy them all!
            [both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time]
   -- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 

#5:  Bart's Nightmare (ToH II)

The whole premise of this episode where Bart has god-like powers really entertains me.  It makes me think what I would do with that kind of ability, and how terrified people are because of Bart's special gift.

Quotes:

Bart:  [sees Snowball 2]  Every day, same old cat.  I'll make it more
          interesting.  [furrows his brow, turning the cat into a
          multi-colored fire-breathing whatever]
   Snowball:  Meow.  [fire breath singes the breakfast table.  The cereal
          box is on fire]
   Bart:  Ah, there.  That's better.
   Marge: Much better.  Oh, good!  The curtains are on fire.
   Homer: [nervously]  It's good that you made that.. awful thing, Bart.
          It's real good.
          [Marge hoses down the fire with the fire extinguisher]
   -- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 

*****

Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond
   with Bart's answers on yesterday's test.  [groans from the class]
   America was now discovered in 1942 by ... [consults]  `Some Guy'.
   And our country isn't called America any more.  It's Bonerland.
   -- Ms. Krabappel, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 

#4:  Stop The World, I Want To Goof Off (ToH XIV)

Adult Milhouse lived his whole life on a diet of gummy worms; awesome!  Mayor Quimby probably has his most clever idea in the series when he tries to catch Bart and Milhouse in this segment.  

Quotes:

Bart:  Check out these ads! Let's see... X-ray gum... [Gasps] Cool!  Milhouse, do you have your change purse?
Milhouse:  Always!!

*****
Principal Skinner:  Due to budget cuts, music class will now have a two drink minimum.  Cran-apple juice only counts as one, and...
Bart and Milhouse stop time and pull down Skinner's pants
[Skinner gasps]  My slacks!  They've descended!

#3:  Time And Punishment (ToH V) 

I know it's ridiculous, but I always felt sorry for Homer when arrived in the perfect version of his world and leaves before it starts raining donuts.  And Willy takes another axe in the back!

Quotes:

Homer: Aah!  OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you
       on your wedding day.
        [remembers Abe with hair and a tuxedo]
  Abe: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because
       even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't
       imagine.
Homer: Fine.  As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch
       anything, I won't destroy the future.
        [a mosquito flies in]
       Stupid bug!  You go squish now!  [swats it] 

*****

Homer: This time I'm not going to touch a thing.
        [a tyrannosaurus rex attacks him]
       Aah!  [hopping away] Mustn't crush...mustn't kill...made it!
        [sits on a fish that walks out of the water]
  Ohh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

#2:  Clown Without Pity (ToH III)

I remember people singing the H-O-M-E-R song for weeks after this episode.  Perhaps it's the Gremlins connection that makes this episode so memorable to me, or Krusty's infatuation with Malibu Stacy.

Quotes:

Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Owner: That's bad. 

Homer: Can I go now? 

*****

Doll:  Guess who, Fat boy!!
Homer: [blinded, bumping around, with the doll strapped to his head]
       Marge!  Marge!  Look!
Marge: [from the kitchen] Oh, my God!
Homer: [staggering into the kitchen] The doll's trying to kill me and the
       toaster's been laughin' at me!

#1:  The Devil And Homer Simpson (ToH IV)

This one's what Halloween's all about; the Devil!  While the Heck House episode is fairly similar, this is the one that first introduced Ned as the King of the Underworld.  I like how deleted scenes expanded on Homer's punishment in hell.

Quotes:

While Homer signs, Mr. Burns watches on the security monitors.

Burns:  Hmm, who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jip.

Smithers:  The Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

*****

Flanders:  I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson pledging me his soul for a donut -- which I delivered! And it was scrump-diddly-umptious! I simply ask for what is mine!

The jury chatter.

Hutz:  That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." (with emphasis) Which is unbreakable! (the jury stare at him) Excuse me, I must use the restroom.

*************************************

Well, that's it for my favorite segments of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episodes.  There's 50 other segments out there, plus the new ones coming up, so I'm sure everyone has there own special memories of this great show.  Happy Halloween!